Mar 28 2008
Those were only accidents
I am so glad that Laane commented in my previous post, about Ian hitting his friends.
I almost caned him last night, and I’m glad I did not. I hate to use violence against violence. It is not giving the right message to his little mind. It contradicts ourselves and confuses him.
“Mama can hit you, but you cannot hit others.”
“I hit you because you hit others.”
“I love you that’s why I hit you”
–> What kind of messages?!
What would he be when he grows up in this?
“I love my wife so I hit my wife”?
“I love my friends so I hit my friends”?
“I hit you because I am bigger/stronger than you, just like how my mom could hit me when I was small”?
–> This is not right…!!
Jason mentioned many people were brought up with canes without any problems. I don’t quite agree with that thinking. Everyone does that doesn’t mean that is good. It is always safer to assume everyone is different, every mind receives different psychological impact, the impact on you may not be the same on others. It is very bad to deliver a wrong and confusing message to the curious kid – that’s my main point here.
Ian is not stupid. If I say “I hit you because you hit other”, he might ask me (though he had not), “Now you hit me, who is going to hit you then?”.
Anyway, back to the topic I started. I have been wondering why he received so many complaints on hitting others, I kept probing him to learn what’s the reason of his behaviour. I wanted to help him, wanted to suggest ways to settle any confrontations.
For example, at home, when I witnessed how he hit Isabel, I knew the reason. I could teach him hitting is not the way to solve his frustrations, and I demonstrated what he could do. We practiced that a few time before I let him play with his sister again.
But in the school, I wasn’t there. And in many cases when hitting happened, the teachers did not witness as well.
When I asked him why he hit his friends, all he could say was only, “Sorry Mama, I will not do that again.”
After reading Laane’s comments this morning, I did a role play with Ian.
I asked him to imagine I was his friend Amelia, and asked him to repeat what happened that day. Immediately I learnt that it was probably an accident. After some probing and clarifications, this is apparently what happened.
Ian likes to slide his butt on the floor, pretending he was driving a racing car. While he was ‘driving’ he likes to swing his arms with his fist tight. As he approached Amelia, he claimed that he was ‘driving too fast and could not brake’. His hand/fist swung on Amelia’s face/lips.
That’s how it happened.
As for the other girl, Carmen, after role playing, it was again another accident. He was singing and ‘dancing’ with his hands swinging (again), and it touched her forehead. According to Ian, it was only a ‘soft’ touch.
I explained to the teacher what I discovered, and she actually agreed with the conclusion! She said she has suspected that, as Ian is very active and playful. In fact, she explained to Amelia’s mother that Ian could have probably raised his arms and accidentally punched her (i.e. not intentional).
Whew! I’m glad it turned out to be like this. And this event, has certainly marked in Ian’s little mind, that hitting is forbidden. He has made a promise that he would be more careful when he plays and more gentle with his friends.
Had Lanne not suggested ‘playtherapy’, I wouldn’t have thought of doing a role play to understand the situation better.
I will keep in mind in the future, Role Playing is really a good technique to uncover more things a young child has difficulties to tell.
I can understand that the first time was an accident. But if he keeps playing and swinging his hand, hitting other children. Do you consider that as accidents?
Role playing is good to find out the cause but what is your solution to prevent him from doing it again and again.
Michelle: Guess I stick to time-out. Upon further researches, I know why my timeout doesn’t work, coz it was seen as punishment instead of compliance. Will try out the right way and see if it works.
BTW, this is a good read on this topic, in particularly argument 3 and 5.
http://stophitting.blogspot.com/2006/01/back-in-good-ol-days-and-other.html
I wonder when he grows older, will he talk and yet having his hand moving around, like some people who do have this kind of talking style. Haha.
Jason: Actually he wasn’t talking with hands swinging around – apologies for not being clear here. :p
Actually he was imitating the sterling wheel, he ‘turned’ the wheel left and right vigorously. And the second time was dancing with jumping up and down, plus some gestures that comes with the song that he was singing.
You know sometime Ian will make up his own story, right? I remember he told his teacher you never scold him, but this is not the truth, right?
Anyway, I think moderate punishment is important for Ian.
Am glad you managed to sort it out. One thing that caught my attention in your earlier post was about Amelia’s mother “confronting” Ian on “hitting” her daughter. I don’t think the school should have allowed her to have direct access to Ian or for that matter, for any parent to have direct contact with any child other than their own. You know how protective parents can be and in her moment of anger, she could have said or did more harm than intended to Ian. She should have gone to the class teacher or principal to complain/clarify the matter instead of getting to Ian direct.
Glad to know that things have been sorted out. One thing bothered me though. The school should not have allowed Amelia’s mother to have “direct” contact with Ian or for that matter, no parent should be allowed to have direct contact to any kids other than their own. The matter should have been clarified through the teacher/principal. Parents are very protective of their own kids and when blinded by anger, are often not very rational. Furthermore, her reaction was based entirely on her child’s words only. Like in this case, it was an accident but she probably confronted Ian like it was not.
i! I just stumbled upon your blog and can’t help but to notice this post. I too have a son who is 4. I have the same problem…only that for me it has happened a few times already. If you visit my blog you can read about ‘some’ of his little adventures.. The thing is… there’s really no right or wrong way of ‘teaching’ out children about these thing. Everyone has their own way. My husband strongly disagree with using the ‘rotan’… but many told me that it is necessary… you see… So I think at the end of the day..YOU know best for your child. But I’m glad to have learnt a tip or two from your post. Aiden (my son) is bigger size then the other boys in his class and he plays a bit rough too..(no thanks to my husband) So he is always ‘caught’ in situations like Ian’s… Sigh! Boys will be boys..
So sorry for the double post!The first one didn’t register on screen, thought it was lost :}
ab: I would believe in his story because the teacher concur that.
EMYYL: I just found out what caused the delay in it showing! Due to the recent events that made my blog inaccessible, my host installed a Cache plugin in this site. And the cache doesn’t refresh that fast. Even my replies get ‘swallowed’, and only appear much later. I will try to disable it and see whether this site would go down or not. If it goes down, then I have no choice but to keep it on all the time…
Oh, don’t worry about the double post, I can remove one. Just didn’t have the time in the past few days, was swamped with work (some deadline and my skill was rusted ler…)
Elaine: Wow, looks like I am not alone in this ‘disciplinary issue’. This is a very heavy subject for people like me. I am always trapped in different school of thoughts, and any action or non-action would cause sparks in the family… will probably write about this separately.
BTW, thanks for dropping by and left a comment.